Dark Chronicles of Nooria 9

First half the appointment, I do all the talking, pours out; killing the uncle, the 2 dreams.
During this, the counsellor doesn't interrupt, just takes notes.
Her turn to speak, I'm surprised, she doesn't ask about any of it. Starts asking me questions which are obviously a list of symptoms. Just before it ends, "too early to be sure, but I have a good idea what your real problem is. Avoidance of emotion, denying it, you react to pretty much everything as if it is a movie. That's why you don't fit. Most everyone else parading through here is living life too hot; you too cold, iceberg even. Want a next appointment?"
Shy, "yes ma'am."
Our second appointment is almost over, "now you see, Nooria, good news and bad. The good news is we know what you have, one of the less serious disorders. Bad news, untreatable, simply born that way. Happens to ten times as many men as women. Asperger Syndrome, variant of autism. Take this handout, read up on it, come back in say 2 weeks."
I nod.
"See Nooria the problem isn't really you. It's how the world reacts to you. The men, just mostly accepted, go on to be technicians, accountants, computer programmers and the like. World accepts them and uses their skill. Women, the world is a lot less forgiving. A job is the least of your problems, relationships are far more serious. Doesn't matter whether you hook up with a man or woman, result is the same. From Day One, you are viewed as lacking."
I nod.
"So since you'll be lonely much or all of your life, ultimately it becomes a spiritual issue. If you cannot generate some meaning-of-life, you'll end up killing yourself. And that's where my borderline is. I can hand out all kinds of psy advice, not allowed to touch the spiritual with a ten foot pole. For that, you're on your own, you and God."

I read it myself, show it to Arezou. I see the muscles tense in her face. Quietly, "so I was dead wrong, viewed your problem as temporary, correctable. You and I, we're through. Ain't spending forever and forever with someone like this."
She walks over to tell Arifa.
Arifa calls me aside, "no choice, Nooria, you ain't outa the woods yet. Need someone to watch over you. Shauzia's the only one available, if she won't do it, we got problems."

A few minutes later, Shauzia sits, "I'm your new jailer. We ain't going anywhere near cliffs."
"Why? Afraid you'll jump too?"
She laughs, hugs me, "yeah, better that way, chuckle about it. Still, you don't get outa my sight."
Wordless I hand her the handout on Asperger. She reads it twice. Face noticeably paler, "Nooria, this is awful. If it were treatable, at least some hope. This, like a life sentence in prison."
I nod.
She continues, "if you'd been a boy, no big deal. Everyone knows men like that; men seem able to just live and let live. Women, gotta reconstruct everyone they see."
Drily I reply, "I know."
"Then God musta really hated you. I mean suppose you'd been born deaf. Just means lotta jobs ain't open to you, but a lot are. Least you got people's sympathy. But this, they look at it, blame you for not trying to fit in."
"So I've noticed."
"You hafta join up, once you grow up. Ain't safe a woman living alone. But once you do join, big problem. Everyone else is in these high-voltage relationships, thrice the emotional level of a straight marriage. And you, odd woman out, no takers for damaged goods."
"So what do I do?"
She lowers her voice, "if it was me, I'd jump offa cliff. Refuse to put up with a garbage life like that. But you, no you ain't getting the chance, not while I'm in charge. Wanta do it later, your business. But for now, you behave."
Half grin, "yes sarge."
"Good now only one place you leave my sight for a minute. Don't follow you into the cubicle, but I'm outside the door."
Arezou comes over, as always, rudely interrupts, "look Nooria, no hard feeling. Just is. Anyone asks me bout you, if it's a real good friend, I tell the truth. Anyone else, just say personality mismatch, no fault on you. Don't wanna hurt your chances."
"My chances, as you put it, are zero. But thanks for being kind."
Arezou blushes, "hey, I'm not a bad person."
"Never said you were, all gotta make choices in life."
"How you gonna manage, kid? Can't just live alone when you graduate, hafta join. And then we all know what happens with all those high-emotion relationships."
"I'll join the French Foreign Legion, it'll be co-ed by then."
This sets Arezou and Shauzia laughing.
Arezou protests, "but you don't know French."
Switching to French, I deliver several fluent sentences. After all, I did 2 years of French Immersion in school in Saskatoon.
Arezou grins, "we-ll, guess you got great career prospects, English and French." She leaves.
Shauzia twists a smile, "alla same, Lt Capt or Major, tiny pay difference. But you alone, you alone. So what other languages you know?"
"Hindi, Saulteaux."
"Cool, get to watch those Bollywood movies the members see. What's the other?"
"Native language, tiny group."
"Ironic ain't it? Decent job prospects, but lousy life. What do you suppose that means?"
"God wants me to be a spectator, not a participant. Lotsa free time to deal with whatever."
"So you ah suspect that German dream has anything to do with this?"
"Talk bout it some other day. Already had too much people nonsense for one day. So gonna handcuff me when we go for supper?"
"Nah, not necessary, but don't try nothing, I's watching you."

Next day supper Shauzia has a bad headache, upset stomach. Wants to lie down, not eat.
Arifa takes no chances, "right kid, you and me go to the members mess. Go to the bathroom now."
I musta looked quizzical.
"Come on, do I hafta paint a picture? You go there, I gotta accompany you. Then all my friends will know you're a bad little girl, can't be trusted alone. Now move!"
The lineup is shorter, 235 members compared to 2,000 schoolgirls. All ranks mess, everyone from private to CO, this is a field operation.
Same food, but immense portions. A 250 pound server lands a shovel full of a beef, rice and vegetable mix on my plate. Tea mugs, twice as big as girls mess. She grins, "gotta eat or you never lose that matchstick little girl look."
And may the bird of paradise crap all over your toast, I think acidly.
Arifa is a sergeant, like all the BL's (Barrack Leaders). We end up eating with a lotta sgt's. Arifa introduces me, then I fade into the background. They're dissecting last night's doped-up murder-suicide. In our compound, we the little girls never hear what happens over there.
Still the story has a sameness to it. Substitute alcohol for dope, straight relationships for lesbian ones, and it's a pretty ordinary Saskatoon or Lilac Valley story.
After they exhaust the permutations and combinations, conversation lulls.
A 200 pound sgt smiles in condescending manner, "I fear we are boring our little friend." (lotta emphasis on "little") "So Nazia, what you think of us?"
"It's Nooria ma'am."
I hear gasps.
Sgt grins malevolently, "girls, you're my witnesses. She just insulted me. Made me look like one of them braindead officer types."
Another elbows her, "oh shut up. Can't you see she's just little, new here? Now forgive and forget. And you Nooria, you use 'sarge' or 'sgt' in future."
"Yes sarge."
First one grins again, this time without malice, "Ok Nooria you remember that. See a sgt got more brains in her little finger than one of them officers in her whole puffed-up head." Ripples of laughter. "Now before I was so rudely interrupted I was asking what you thought of us?"
"You mean, this camp as a whole?"
"Yes."
"Well sarge, they're kind. Food good, teachers mostly ok."
Jovial look now, "so what plans for when you grow up?"