Alien 5

The pilot blushes, "it all started because I was so sexually frustrated."
It's all I can do to keep a straight face.
"Wipe that look of disbelief. Surely you saw both vids, could compare."
I lie, "anti-viral wiped both attachments, suspected corruption."
"Shame, you see you and I shared something wonderful. Only at the time, I was young, immature, didn't know. Now, it's just never any enthusiasm the men have. Still, anti-viral wouldn't wipe the email, you could have hit accept."
"The Afghan woman and I have come to an understanding."
Wicked grin, "gotcha, girls have alla fun. So, where's your boyfriend? How come you use that silly thing?" points to vibrator.
"Here on Planet Earth is periodic drought. One copes with the means at hand, pardon the pun."
"Yeah, well being so frustrated I started into gambling. Lousy plan. Every girl on our planet does everything to excess. I ah ran up every credit card under the sun."
"So, just declare bankruptcy, everyone else does."
"Enlisteds can and do declare it every two years, some of them. Officers, no way, drummed out."
"So, what did you do?"
"Steal. Everything except weapons, so I'm not a traitor. Paper, underwear, soap, cases of food, palm pilots, handhelds, black marketed it."
"I see and the Auditor General's girls were tracking you?"
Laugh, "yeah, banging on the other side of the locked door as I set the beamer."
I laugh, I don't hate her or anything.
She sighs, "back to practical, got forged Canadian ID. Same height as your average East Indian Earthling and of course, all our noses are same shape as the East Indian Earthlings. What sorta job could I get?"
"Forget cashier, check references, or any other office job. Dishwasher or janitor, you could start tomorrow."
I had expected outrage but she smiles, "co-ol, beats the stockade. Still, couple days, find a boyfriend."
"Little slower here, they're shyer."
"I would die if I went a week without, maybe buy one of these. You don't mind if I stay here?"
"No problem."
"Sweet, how's your job?"
"Lousy, whole Revenue Department is buncha hated outcasts, gobbling up half the economy."
"So, how long you been without a boyfriend?"
"Since I got here."
She gasps, "what happened?"
"Major depressive episode."
"I don't understand, if you can't even find a boyfriend, how is it you like the Afghan woman?"
"Never said I liked her, said we came to an understanding."
"Beaming wipes one, gotta crash."
The Afghan chuckles, "is she in for a rude awakening! So why are women on your planet so oversexed?"
"Why does the wind blow? Why are there tides? Just is."
"Buy her a vibrator or she'll drive you crazy."
"Thanks for the advice."
"Hey I like you by now, did what I couldn't do. Never even complained, just slogged through."
I blush, "nah, you were the hero, me the wimp, woulda done myself the first day."
"And that was the sixth time I took too many pills."
I gasp.
"See what I mean, I admire you. Is she lying, maybe a traitor?"
"If she'd sold arms, you and me would be staring down the snouts of a dozen blasters by now."
"But they wouldn't chase her just over money?"
"Too much medical risk, decontamination. Only do a jump like that for say stealing missiles."
At this point, we hear the whirr, the pilot disappears before our very eyes.
"Ah ha," says the Afghan, "didn't send MP's. Someone expert at computers did an exact reversal, trigger on her DNA, so it won't drag any bystanders."
By now I'm laughing.
"What's so funny?"
"I know one person who could do that. Also, wants revenge on this pilot."
"Do tell."
"You mean I never mentioned the office manager/techie? Well ..."
"What a rich joke!"
"Still buy that vibrator tomorrow."
"That's perverted, unnatural, sickening."
"Just do it or else!"
And darned if she isn't right. As I gasp and sweat and moan, I hear, "told you so!"
As I lie after, she asks, "so, the day you destroyed the handheld. What would have happened if you'd accepted instead?"
"You'd be dead."
"Thanks for saving my life. Still, why didn't you accept?"
"Techie, least I'd get love; Japanese, sex sizzle. Her, like kissing a rubber doll."
"But surely if you knew how she looked as an adult you .."
"You get into too many what-ifs my friend. Drive yourself nuts. It is - live with it."
"Hold on, might this same techie be able to beam you back?"
"Hasta be very fast, as in a clinically dead situation. Original plan was for me to return one minute after transmission. Now, my previous body is toast."
"So we're together, for better or worse. Don't be such a hermit, drop into coffee houses now and again, like tomorrow after work."
As I sit over an espresso, feeling stupid, I ask, "so why are Earthling men so?"
"Western culture has it all wrong, talk of men as the super-hornies. Ain't so, it's the women. Your planet understands this, even if there is inequality."
"Oh."
"Buy Chatelaine magazine, gotta get you offa your lazy ass, get some more clothes. And makeup."
"I'd rather die than do that."
"My friend, remember the siege, I can do that again you know."
"I get your point."
"That skirt there, gotta get one like that."
"That's showing off too much skin."
"Oh grow up, just you're too da**ed lazy to shave your legs."
I blush.
"Right now, get in that bathroom and start."
Wow, is she ever getting pushy!
"There, look nice, tomorrow after work, shopping."
"I hate shopping."
"Women love to shop, get with the program."
I have wild kinky erotic dreams. When I wake up the Afghan says, "you like her more than me."
How do you reply to that? So I don't.
"Gotta lay all that stuff to rest. Today we shop."
"Would it not be easier to just wear sweats and pick up a lesbian?"
"No way pal, don't want the Afghans gossiping about me, I mean more than they already do."
"What do you care what they think?"
She pauses, "ok time to cool the temperature. You see my friend, you are simply socialized into a world of self and girlfriend, not as much sense of family or nation."
"Oh."

"There now, aren't you glad we shopped? Even color-draped properly."
"I'd feel like a prostitute in this. Like I'm only wearing it to snag guys."
"And your point is? Tomorrow for sure, buy a lipstick."
"I'd rather die."
"And a face powder and ..."
Again the whirr. Pilot gives a goofy grin, "my sentence ain't the stockade, it's exile."
I laugh, "isn't everything Justice gets involved in insane?"
She nods, "even gave me back the phony ID. Constitution says I hafta make a living."
The pilot is fast on her feet. Three days, job. Within a week, boyfriend. Some young innocent guy. From the looks, she'll be calling the shots in bed, not Earthling ways. They get an apartment together.
I am burned with envy. It just is not fair. Look how much heavy water my voyage produced so far.
The Afghan is equally ticked, different reason. Hoping for that girl-girl fling with the pilot.