Naomi 1

I've programmed my cell phone to get main news items and my horoscope. As I wait, I start with news.
Police arrested a Mr Big pusher in Haifa, who allegedly used the drug profits to run a Satanic harem.
Once again, the Air Force denies UFO's were sighted over the Negev Desert. Another Air Force officer denies that those UFO's were Egyptian.
We are on track for the lowest Reservist turnout in over a decade. The IDF (Israeli Defence Force) denies that Reservists get crummy trailers and chow, blames the sudden wave of illness on the ineptness of municipal water authorities.
The biggest car dealership is suing the government over alleged sales loss due to gasoline price increases.
A Haredi (ultraOrthodox) rabbi is suing El Al for serving refreshments that allegedly are insufficiently kosher. What a joke! Since which century have they served food? Oh, of course, he means coffee was not kosher enough for him.
The Mayor of Jerusalem is reminding residents that "mooning" tourists on the street is unacceptable behavior.
A Member of the Knesset has taken a leave of absence after animal wardens allegedly found over one hundred cats in his apartment.
The biggest porn publisher is declaring bankruptcy, blaming Customs for allegedly allowing an influx of cheap porn from Lebanon.
So now you see why I never bother to buy a newspaper; the headliner items are silly enough.
I look at my horoscope. Play it safe, any risk undertaken during the next week is doomed to certain failure. I shrug, story of my life.
I see Karen join the line at the counter. From her expression, she won and is just dying to tell me all about it. She buys coffee, joins me, "well Naomi, it worked."
"Tell me all about it."
"That Capt Herzog, we know what an idiot he is. IQ same as his shoe size. And those Orthodox men, blush sooo easy. (Recounts a long and ghastly list of female problems, in minute detail). By the time I was done with him, he didn't know whether to cry or scream or throw up or all three. Ta-Da." Shows me the exemption form for the one month summer tour.
I congratulate her, while secretly wishing she had used less detail. This is a public place.
Wicked smile, she asks, "so how you gonna play it?"
"We-ell if I tried that same list, might not work for the second person."
She roars with laughter, "just love your dry sense of humor."
"See Karen, it's a touch dangerous. He does have the option whether to demand a medical or not. Mostly they don't bother, costs the IDF money. But if he gets suspicious"
She cuts in, "got it, urinary tract infection. Not as likely to arouse suspicion, yet impossible to do Reservist duty.
"I donno."
"Oh come on, don't always be such a chicken."
I practise in front of the mirror, get so good I can blush on cue.
Starting my blush routine, I say, "Capt, I'm afraid I can't make the tour."
Kind tone, "why is that?"
Blushing hotter now, "well you see," I gasp, "it's a urinary tract infection. Terrible it is. Twice, thrice, sometimes four times an hour."
He actually looks relieved, was he expecting worse? Smile, "do you believe in Fate, Naomi?"
"I'm not sure," I stall, wondering where he is headed.
"Well I believe in Fate. Every single year for the last eight my company clerk has been ill. No one really wants to do that job. But every single year, brings one UTI. You can be company clerk; there is a bathroom in that trailer. Exemption denied."
I groan inwardly, have fantasies of wrapping my hands around Karen's neck and squeezing. How boring can you get! Half an hour of paper a day, cooped up alone in that sweltering trailer. Least my usual duties afforded fresh air and companionship. My horoscope was right.
Solicitous look, Capt asks, "you feeling ok?"
"Not really."
"Come on now, don't take it so hard. Who is better at paper than you? Breeze of a job. You'll want it every year."
"Excuse me Capt, gotta run, bathroom is calling."
Karen looks at my face, "didn't work huh?"
"Nope, made me his company clerk."
"Look at the bright side. He leaves that laptop in the trailer during the day. Huge collection of porn. And him an Orthodox!"
"Don't you suppose that - gasp - he might have a password?"
"Certainly, same one as he's used for years, Armageddon."
"How do you hear all this stuff?"
"IDF is like a small town, ain't a lotta secrets."
Capt Herzog rises, points at the map, "and this is the premise of XXX Publishing. Now vacant of course, everything inside has been sold at discount. We will guard it."
Sgt Meyer cuts in curtly, "what on earth for?"
"Well you see, HQ has heard a rumor Islamic Jihad is planning to blow it up."
"That is ridiculous," Sgt Meyer snorts, "even the newest among this company could easily name fifty more likely targets. Come on Cap, those explosives cost IJ money, they gonna waste it on an empty building?"
"Rumor is, collect insurance money. IJ and XXX then split the take."
As we file out, Sgt/Maj Goldstein says quietly to me, "what an idiot, buys every HQ rumor hook line and sinker. The real poop is it will be the Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigade."
"Why is that?"
"IJ is far more morally pure, has a strict code of conduct. Al Aqsa will do jobs like that for lucre."
"Comforting thought. IJ is far more professional; be lots easier to guard against Al Aqsa."
Triumphant look, "see, knew you'd agree with me."
My morose mood deepens as I discover more joys of this tour. None of my usual friends made it, all wangled an exemption in one fashion or other.
And so it is I will roommate with Lt Nachman. Other than the fact she is the Queen of Tasteless, she isn't too bad.
She rattles on with a story of three men from her kibbutz being expelled for bestiality. With the amount of detail in her story, I'd say she was a voyeur on more than one occasion.
She asks if I read the story in Jerusalem Post on the horse race fixing scandal.
My neck and shoulders tighten as I say no.
She bubbles on, "oh yes, now the prosecution is alleging your ex-husband got preferential treatment from the judge, an unusually short sentence, because of a prior illicit homosexual liaison."
And then I laugh, hey throw the book at him!
She continues in school teacherly fashion, "Further, that same allegation is being made against half the defendants. They'll all end up back in court, different judge."
As she goes on, my eyes glaze over. Enough. The press is totally obsessed with the justice system. Is this not more a matter between Daniel and Israel until the final decision is rendered? If he's guilty, he'll pay the price.