Alien 12

I soon see that my relationship could go south, all the draining my job does. So, on his birthday, I proudly present him with a book on Japanese bondage.
I smile, "you choose the position tonight. Other times, roll the dice, keep it exciting."

Next morning as I face the paper Leviathan again, I truly understand what is so great about field duty. Let's see, with any luck, I can barter some palm pilots for better tropical clothing. I also have an ace in the hole. Some 5,000 cases of lightbulbs arrived while I was away. Hey, everyone needs those.
I join the 2-i-c for morning coffee. Her look says it all, "ah ha, you have him well-trained."
I blush.
"Don't be shy. But you one-upped me, dreamed up an idea of your own."
"That obvious?"
"Yep, do tell."
"It was his birthday, I gave him a book on Japanese bondage."
"Hot stuff, tell me which store has."
"You might be risking a heart attack."
She laughs, "all gotta go sometime. Better way than most."

I show for my first meeting with the Problem Gambling Committee. The chairwoman smiles, "for the benefit of our new member, let's start with a quick discussion as to why we're here. Lt, give us your take."
"Mil salaries are generous. Take away rentals, on or off base, and other essentials. After, everyone from private to general has 2/3 of their income available for discretionary matters."
I nod off, ain't news.
She continues, "so, why are there enlisteds declaring bankruptcy every 2 years? Why a Food Bank on base? Why a bank for children's clothing? Why should there have to be 34 credit counsellors on staff?"
I'm now awake.
"Because of addictions. Gambling is only one. Major, 2/3 of those people on the tour are behind in their bills. Oh I'm sure you are not. But before you fall asleep, think of them."
Ouch!
"So Major, ever gambled in your life?"
"Oh yes, every week they collect a dollar for our group lottery."
The laughter echoes off the walls, they're howling with it.

I show at the Alcohol and Drug Abuse Committee. "Let us now welcome a new member. Tell us Major, you a drinker?"
"No."
"You mean, not at all, not a drop?"
"Correct."
"But you are aware perhaps that some of your colleagues and subordinates are?"
Drily I reply, "they made me aware when 42 did not show for the Guyane tour."
Ripples of laughter.
"Ok Major, your estimate. What percentage of civvies are alcoholics? And mils?"
"I'd say 25% for each."
Loud snorts of laughter.
"If you read your e-mail a little more carefully, you would discover a Department of Health report. 60% of civilians, 75% of mils."
I gasp.
"So, we would appreciate any help you could provide."
What a bunch of self-righteous goody-goodies.
"So Major, upon learning 40 of your battalion were in jail; were you a little shocked? Medium? A lot?"
"Medium."
"Five years ago, 400 out of a Para battalion of 550 showed a week late for tour. That would qualify as a lot of shock, in your view?"
I grin, "well, I'm running a tight ship."
"Not as tight as you might believe. Rumor has it there is an illegal still in your battalion."
Keeping a straight face, "oh that, every frontline unit has the same rumor."
"The MP's actually claim to have confiscated it. It mysteriously disappeared. You ah wouldn't know anything about that, now would you?"
"No."
"Seen your kind before, old line, 'girls will be girls', fun and games. The new generation is tightening up on all that craziness."
"In that case, you will not have an army left. Only thing keeps people in is fun. Any of those girls with a tech qualification could make half again as much money outside."
This stops them a moment.
Then one says, "Major, before this gets out of hand, let's clarify. By fun, you are referring to consenting adults? That is no children, correct?"
"Indeed. Where children are present in a family, I take a totally different view."
"Good, we have some common ground."

The head of the Environment Committee starts, "are you aware, each and every weekend, there are so many beer cans scattered about this base, that if melted down, would add up to a semitrailer truck?"
I think of the Earthling punchline, "gather the rubbers, put tires on it."
However, I know better now than to argue with zealots, I just vacantly nod.

The Ethnic Minorities Committee moots around endless ways of Lt making Capt or Capt making Maj. Not a lotta thought on advancing minority enlisteds. Again, I sense the zealotry, refrain from my view.
I am 3/4 asleep going out the door. Nooria, an Afghan woman grins wickedly, "you're the one who had the big barroom brawl."
"Not I, I delegated the pleasure to others."
"Know who I am?"
I gasp, "of course, the famous Para commander who lost 400 to a week in jail."
"The same. Now let's go for coffee, nice to meet a real person."
And so it was, I started to make a genuine friend, as opposed to a friendly coworker. We chatted for hours, everything from childhood to Earthling experience. Wonderful! And we promised to do coffee weekly. Lotta white folks won't keep those promises, but an Afghan will.
And now, finally the Afghan within starts to feel better, getting friendship.

The phone rings. Doctor asks blandly, "ah Major, could you drop into my office at 3:00?"
Now when a Doctor says that, you know what most think. Terminal.
I stare out the window and suddenly I'm cheerful. Yes, what has my life become?
Boyfriend is so bored, he's probably 2 days away from leaving. Oy, then back to speed dating.
Army? Come on, I'm legally a Reservist, get all the garbage gigs, just like on Earth.
My one and only friend is now a week away from heading out on a one-year tour to a real red zone.
Doctor smiles, "at first, I didn't want to call. Ran the tests through 3 separate techs. Unanimous, you my friend, are almost immortal."
I gasp.
"Let's forget the physics mumbo-jumbo of transmission. Bottom line, 1 in 28 million odds and you hit the jackpot. Immune to any disease, will not age. Only violence or accident could kill you. But it would have to be heavy duty. You have a frightening amount of coagulant. So, instead of a single bullet, think maybe an Uzi clip."
I groan aloud, then I cry.
She hugs me, "I've never before had to tell anyone. Assumed you'd be happy."
"Doctor, my boyfriend is so bored, he's 2 nanoseconds from leaving. Then back to the utter humiliation of speed dating. My one and only friend heads out on a one-year tour. And you know what happens to reservists."
Helpful smile, "I can help in one regard. Give you an exemption certificate to speed dating, you are in a clinically depressed state."
I get home and he's gone. The Afghan is even more morose than me, drains what little energy I have.

Somehow, the whole thing falls into place. This time, less turmoil on the tarmac.
A dozen got into a fight with sailors, ended up in the naval brig a while. But there is professional courtesy. They forget charges, drive them to the plane on time. I give the MP's 3 cartons of cigarettes, token of my gratitude and that ends it.

The Afghan loves it and so do I. Endless round of friendly bull sessions, with all ranks. I never once need to show the iron fist of authority. As with Earthlings, the vets put lotta social pressure on the newbies to toe the line healthwise.
Gradually my view changes. Yes, I strike out with men. Yes, my friend is away. Yes, in her type of job, forget heart-to-heart e-mails, she's busy, not like me, made of time on tour.
But still, 550 people come home healthy. The Medical Officer is proud as blazes of me.
Of course I know where the still is hidden. Make a point of never going there. Why be a party pooper?