The Coalition for Family Values is the reason why I find myself in trouble with the law. I hear the gentle reader gasp, well no - it ain't like that at all. They merely attacked others and poor innocent moi got caught in the crossfire.
I know, every convict or defendant does the same, blames others. Still, hear me out, before you are too quick to condemn.
Now our planet is considerably stricter than you laid back Earthlings experience. The law clearly states that within one year of either completing or dropping out of education, you shall find a registered friend of the opposite gender. No, no exemption in cases of psy or "those", the word being so taboo we never say it.
Now every high school student know that roughly 1/10 of both boys and girls are "those". It's no big deal, boy those and girl those pair off, in the sense of forming a paper relationship, covering for each other.
The occasional psy case like me sort of melts into that crowd. They know you're ok, not a cop or anything, so some guy will do the paper with you.
The problem being, girl those tend to be very careful and quiet, it's all behind drawn drapes in apartments and never public knowledge.
And just like you Earthlings, boy those lack any and all sense of discretion. Even a moron knows that a party of several hundred drug toting revellers at a bonfire in the park Saturday night will draw public scrutiny.
Usually the cops prefer to respond to the public complaints very slowly, with sirens wailing from a long ways off, give everyone time to disperse.
Except at election time. As the Police Chief is an elected official, and as CFV represents a huge raft of voters, it's then zero tolerance.
Curious though, exactly how many kids would there be in that park 11 pm Saturday, to become scarred for life by witnessing this?
Now here, we don't have prisons, that being an Earthling concept. We have re-education camps. Purpose is not to punish, heavens no; it's to turn you into a proper respectable citizen of the United Socialist Republic.
And so, the 200 or so snagged at the park in due course end up in our version of Siberia. In coed camps of course, so they meet girls; misery being considered a good bonding experience.
But the police action has a side effect, sets the one year time bomb ticking for 200 girls locally. In that time, you must find a replacement registered boyfriend or be in violation of the law.
For most coping with this imbalance, it's less difficult than for me. Why? The real girl those and boy those mostly know each other from high school or university or drinking in particular bars.
There are guys around who could vouch for me, say I'm ok, not a cop or anything. Unfortunately, all have had a recent change of address (Siberia).
And with the girls it's dog eat dog, none of them will help me.
The imbalance sorts itself in several ways. Some girls find guys. Others commit suicide. Yet others decide the Foreign Legion represents a reasonable option.
And when the anniversary date of the big bonfire rolls around, it's only me left to face the law.
The publicly appointed Legal Aid lawyer suggests I opt for trial by judge alone. Reason, being without a registered boyfriend is considered such a sign of turpitude that jury selection would be akin to Russian Roulette.
At least with judge alone, I get whatever protection the strict legalese offers.
And to give the Judge her due, she has made life exceptionally difficult for prosecution. Sent back the file some three dozen times over things akin to crossing t or dotting i.
And then, at the end of the trial, refers me for a psy evaluation.
Finally, the big day rolls around. Counsel and I are escorted into the chamber, to meet informally before the big announcement.
Judge is quite affable, offers us coffee and our version of Danish.
Once we're settled in, she starts gently, "Citizen Xar, it is my belief a person must understand it all, before a thousand flash bulbs start going off. You see, there is zero question of your guilt versus innocence. The only way to be innocent would be to produce a registered boyfriend. So, what we're really debating is your degree of guilt. Now I don't expect you to morally agree with that, but do you at least understand the concept?"
"Yes Your Honor."
"There is one obscure rule I could dredge up, effect to pardon you. Unfortunately, all it would accomplish is to set the clock ticking for another year. Looking at the psy evaluation, this would not likely do you much good. Merely prolong the agony, ascertain that you end up facing me a year from now."
I blush.
She puts on reading glasses, opens the file. "I've seen a few of these cases over the years, but never one more difficult. Start with the underlying psy condition, Asperger Syndrome. First cousin to autism, the Cadillac version of it. It renders the emotional bonding process inoperative. So, were I to release you, your only hope would be another phony paper relationship with yet another those."
I nod.
"Then the racial issue. Minorities are really only protected in formal situations. That is, if you were refused entry to a university or entry level employment for racial reasons, there would be recourse. There exists no compulsion for people to behave on an informal level. So, if in school or a workplace, the entire group chose to ignore you, your tough luck. Choice of friends is their own.
"Same as finding a registered boyfriend. The law tells the man he must produce a registered girlfriend, yet does not tell him how to choose.
"Then family upbringing. The death of your father, the merchant sailor, in that bar fight when you were ten is completely unremarkable, of itself. The usual course of action would be for your mother to forthwith find a replacement registered boyfriend and you would at least get a male influence in your life.
"Unfortunately, that did not happen. Every single year, she used the widow and child exemption. That is, until you were out the door, then found someone else.
"Economic status. Poverty of itself is no excuse for any violation of the law. However, it is a contributory factor when the person clearly lacked the cultural basics. No internet at home, no cable TV or newspaper subscription.
"Now people are measured on a number of different dimensions. Take your ability at math for example. You are in the top 2% of the population, common with Asperger people. Yet intelligence does not correlate with either emotional stability or maturity. To sum you up, you are doing ok as a technician, but a lamentable job of relating to your fellow beings. Fair statement so far?"
I blush, "yes Your Honor."
Sad look, "in fact, the matter is now out of my hands. In order to face the law on this particular matter, you must have the physical age of 18 or over and the emotional maturity level of 14 or over. Since you come out at ten on the latter, the law backs out, my only option is to refer you to the counselling program. Questions?"
"Your Honor, what would happen to me if that fails?"
Grimace, "at the end of one complete year of conselling, if you have not already succeeded, a further evaluation would be done. If this shows you are capable of progress, the program is extended. If not capable of progressing further, you are no longer fit to be a citizen of the USR.
"And no, contrary to rumor, we do not execute such people. They end up taking over the body of an Earthling in a state of clincial death."
I gasp loudly.
"Question on that?"
"Your Honor, with all due respect, what I've read of Earthlings, I'd actually prefer the execution."
Ironic smile, "but we do not have the legal authority to execute."
"But Your Honor, you do have the legal authority to make people Earthlings."
Gentle sigh, "for what it is worth Citizen Xar, speaking informally, woman to woman, I agree with you 100%. I myself would prefer execution to being an Earthling. However, I don't write the law, the Supreme Soviet does."
I leave, feeling victimized. As the door slides behind us, the lawyer flashes a wicked smile, "what a lucky lottery winner!"
"Say what?"
"The usual way on those files is to stuff you into a boxcar, send you off where it's minus 60 degrees and allow you the time to repent of your ways. Judge gave you a break there, do your best in counselling."
To be fair to the authorities, it is a pretty luxurious lifestyle, with the exception of being locked up.
My "room" is easily thrice the size of my previous bachelor apartment. Akin to a luxury Earthling condo.
We don't have a France here, but if we did, the chefs would be truly worthy of calling themselves French.
Most of the "honored guests" (the authorities would be outraged if you used the word inmates) have psy conditions which are more garden variety. Hence most end up in programs weighted with more group counselling and less individual.
As I am a statistical rarity, one in 2.8 billion, most of my counselling is individual.
They are professional, do their best, but I sense their frustration, dealing with a topic on which so little research has ever been done.
And in due course I am summoned by the Director. She is affable, offers coffee and cookies, but I sense bad news.
Gentle smile, "I'm afraid our counselling program has failed. Still there is good news. The usual course of action would be to make you an Earthling, random selection done by computer. However, in this case, due to its complexity, the court order says we are to select the best possible target for you. Now my opinion is, you should be matched to an approximate Earthling level of emotional maturity, hence a person ten years old. Give you time to learn, mature. The Judge agrees, feels that is the best choice.
"Look at the bright side, Asperger is a far more common condition on Earth, more research done. All the teachers in the western countries have been trained to spot it and similar conditions early on. Now, I'd like your opinion."
I give a rueful smile, "what else can I do? But now I know enough to know a good break when I see one. Being a random Earthling adult would be far more tricky."
"Good, the technicians will brief you."
